pensativa

My one year visit is coming this week from my project manager and I am nervous. I am nervous because so many of the problems at the colegio have yet to be resolved. The library has yet to move to its’ original building, the director doesn’t want anyone checking out books, the computers have been put back in their boxes and my baseball team is not practicing enough, nor have I recruited any girls to play on the team.

I’ve spent the first half of this week writing out my one year report in English and Spanish trying to prove to PC Washington, my project manager, my counterparts, myself that I’ve done something useful in the 11 months that I’ve been in San Ramón. Writing out the report was a flashback to college when I would put off my Spanish papers to the absolute last minute (3 am the night/morning it was due). My stomach felt the same kind of dread and I chose to play spider solitare instead of writing the report.

My biggest fear is that the director of the colegio will blame my failures with the colegio on me. I know that many of the problems are partially due to my passiveness and shyness because I didn’t (or don’t) have the language skills to talk about these things, but I am not willing to take full blame for the situation in San Ramón. My second fear is that my project manager will tell me to move out of San Ramón because there is work in Santa Rosa de Copán if I want it.

Now I know I’ve written about the craziness of los locos and how at times I want throw myself into my burning pile of trash to escape their insane pranks, but I have a life here now; I have connections here, I have friends here and the idea of starting over with a year left isn’t appealing as it once was. It makes sense why Peace Corps is a two year commitment because a year has almost passed and I am just beginning to feel like I have enough trust with my other counterparts, with people in San Ramón to be able to work on projects without fear of failure. It’s an insane amount of time when you think about it in the long term, especially when you hear news about friends back home getting married or moving into a new tax bracket and you begin to wonder…are the two years I am delaying my life really worth it? Should I see it as a delay or as a time for personal growth?

The positive news though is that the grade school seems to like me. They know about my situation at the colegio (though I told none of them about it—you have to love gossipy kids at times) and really want me to work with them, which is great. They want me to ask the director to let them use the computers that were used in the library…which I will talk to my project manager about when she comes to visit. I think it’s a great idea but the director of the colegio is pretty territorial, which he has a right to be except that it’s not being used, so why should it matter?

I do enjoy the colegio. I really like the students and I get along really well with most of the teachers and it saddens me that I may not see them as much if I move my work to the grade school. It’s not that different from the U.S. when you think about how one boss can ruin your job regardless of how well you get along with your co-workers, clients, customers (Starbucks comes to mind here…)
I have to believe that everything works out in the end. It’s just difficult when I have to prove myself to someone because that’s when I feel useless, though it’s hardly the case when I think about my crazy boys.